Before an event I’d expect to feel a nervous excitement, wondering how things would go, how fast it could be. However due to a combination of unfortunate events I’m feeling nervous but not really excited. In fact I am feeling a great deal of trepidation. The open water venue I visit has a case of flesh burrowing parasites at the moment and all the other venues locally are only open on the night I run Brownies. So I haven’t managed to practice the distance outdoors in my wetsuit at all. Every previous swim with the wetsuit has felt restrictive and annoying and I’m changing my mind every 10 minutes as to whether to brave the cold and swim comfortably in a cozzie on Sunday or keep warm and fight against the suit. At least I know I can swim that distance fine in a swimming costume, so perhaps that’s what I’ll go with. But then will the cold make it hard?
I’m also concerned about getting ill from ingesting Thames water, lots of people suggest drinking coke afterwards to ward off potential stomach bugs but I haven’t seen any evidence yet that this works and isn’t a just a convenient marketing placebo.
I’d like to say I felt really prepared, that I was confident that I would be ok on the day and that I’m really excited – but I’m just scared that I’ll let people down by being rubbish. There’s no chance of fading into the background here, I chose to try and show that this girl can and for the first time I’m worried that this girl can’t, there’ll be photographs, spectators and every humiliation possible to document failing and it’s unavoidable. I have not blogged for a while because I couldn’t think of anything positive to say but when I shared this with the other girls they said it was about the ups and the downs so this post is about the very real human feeling of doubt.